Review of The Book You Wish Your Parents Had Read (and Your Children Will Be Glad That You Did)
This book is about how we have relationships with our children, what gets in the way of a good connection, and what can enhance it.
Relationship Is the Core
The core of parenting is the relationship you have with your child.
How we feel about ourselves and how much responsibility we take for how we react to our children are key aspects of parenting that are often overlooked because it is much easier to focus instead on our children and their behaviours rather than examining how they affect us and then how we in turn affect them.
It is not only how we respond to our children that shapes their personality traits and character but also what they witness and feel in their environment.
Feelings
Frequently, our feelings are simply a reaction to what happened in the past, and do not belong with what is happening in front of us. Our response is at least as much due to it having become a habit than it is to do with the situation in the present.
If you feel yourself wanting a break from your children every hour of every day, what you probably need is a break from the feelings they trigger in you. Think about how you can be flexible is more effective than trying to regain what was lost after you have child.
We need to take note and respond to our children’s feelings. Parents need to be the container for their emotions. We need to be alongside them and know and accept what they feel but we are not being overwhelmed by their feelings. Tantrum is usually caused by children not knowing how to express their feelings.
All feelings make sense once we find their context. Acknowledging and validating feelings — parents’ and children’s — is important for parents’ and children’s mental health and as a way of understanding our triggers, our children’s triggers and for gaining a deeper knowledge of why we all behave how we do.
We need to recognise this truth: when we try to block out a negative feeling, we remove positive feelings too.
The Positive Way
The things that matters most to our children are acceptance, warmth and kindness. What we do not want to pass on is our inherited fear, hate, loneliness, or resentment.
The more positive energy we invest in our child at the start, the less of our energy we will need to invest further on.
Treating infants and children with respect and consideration does not mean that we do not set boundaries. When setting boundaries, we should speak calmly, kindly and firmly, do what you said you would do and be consistent.
The 4 Cornerstone
The 4 cornerstones of appropriate behaviour that all of us need and to model for our children:
1. Tolerate frustration,
2. Be flexible,
3. Have problem-solving skills,
4. Be able to see things from another’s point of view.
Conclusion
All parents make mistakes, but it is putting these right that matters more than the mistakes themselves. We can amend our mistakes, the rupture can be mended , as long as we start to do it. We also need to remember that children do what we do rather than what we say.
The Book You Wish Your Parents Had Read made me rethink my parenting style. It did invoke the realisation that my parenting style has been influenced by my own childhood experiences. But it also makes me become more understanding towards my parents, as they have experienced the same set of issues as I am facing now.
A simple rule of thumb for parenting: define yourself and your feelings, not your child.
One-sentence summary for The Book You Wish Your Parents Had Read (and Your Children Will Be Glad That You Did)
Do not let past mistakes continue to strain your relationship with your children, we should try our best to amend the rupture instead.
Quotes
- Shame doesn’t kill us.
- No one is wholly saint or sinner.
- Children are individuals, but they are part of a whole system too.
- It doesn’t have to be perfect — perfect doesn’t exist.
- Life is never static and being able to accept, work with and embrace change is more useful than resisting it.
- Being a parent is always to be time consuming.
Rating
⭐⭐⭐
Interested in The Book You Wish Your Parents Had Read (and Your Children Will Be Glad That You Did)?
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